I saw a brand new number on the scale last week. It kind of freaked me out. I looked down at the scale and I sincerely thought it was broken. So I picked it (the scale) up and turned it upside down and then right side up again. Sort of like the way you clear an etch-a-sketch. My scale is digital. I’m not sure how much good turning it upside down might do, but it seemed perfectly reasonable at the time. I placed the scale back on the ground and weighed myself again. It still said 188.8lbs. I got off the scale, reset it and tried again. 188.8 pounds.
This is the lowest I’ve been since I weaned my youngest son, who is now a couple of weeks away from 18. I weaned him right at 3, so 15 years. My heavens I’ve been so fat for so long.
Which brings me to where I’m at today. Struggling to stay on my food plan. Which is hard. Really, really, really hard. But I’m doing it anyway. Well, not exactly me. Because I am weak, weak, weak. Food is my Achilles heel. If you’ve been following my work for any amount of time, you’ve probably sussed that out already. So it’s not me, because clearly I can not stick to a food plan by myself. If I could have, I would have. But I couldn’t, so I failed, repeatedly.
Nope, I can’t do it by myself, but I can get out of the way, and let God do it for me. I think God loves me. A lot. I have it on good authority that I’m his favorite. (So are you, BTW. So are each of us.) So, since he loves me so much, he wants my life to be good. He wants me to be strong and healthy and not weak, sick and frail.
What shall we then say to these things? If God be for us, who can be against us? Romans 8:31
Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword? Romans 8:35
Nay, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him that loved us. Romans 8:37
I don’t think I can conquer my compulsive desire to overeat by myself. But I do think that I can ask God to do it for me. Then I can get out of God’s way, and allow Him to do it.
That is the hard part. I get it in my head that I know what I’m doing. I think I’ve got it covered. After all, look at how well I’ve done so far. But really and truly, it’s not me. I didn’t do it myself. I got out of God’s way and allowed him to do it for me. My job is to submit to his will. My job is to follow along at my Father’s side. My job is to pay attention to his work in my life and do what he tells me to do.
I’m not especially good at my job, but I keep trying. Some days I do better than others. Some days I do pretty poorly. But I keep trying. I keep getting back on the horse that throws me. I’m not giving up. When food tempts me. When I have to use coping skills and feel my feelings instead of stuffing them with food. When I have to deal with people and institutions that drive me out of my mind! And I have to do it without eating over it. That is when I remember. It’s not me. It’s the power of God. Because I am not strong enough on my own. I need a heavenly Father who is much stronger and much wiser that me. Lucky for me, I have one.
I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me. Philippians 4:13
2 Responses to “Losing Weight Is Hard”
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so glad to see you posting again. i have received so much help and encouragement from your blogs over the years. i know what you mean on the weight thing. i am trying again to get healthy. my dr says i will be guaranteed a diabetes diagnosis in the next several years if i do not change. thanks again for sharing. this helps me to know that i am not alone.
Hi Mary, it’s good to be back. 🙂 I have PCOS, it’s a metabolic condition and most people with it have diabetes in their future. My husband is diabetic, so it’s something I’m familiar with. I see it everyday and I know I don’t want it if I can avoid it. Fred has to take insulin injections, and he watches his blood sugar all the time. It’s a hassle. My doc says that losing weight now will help my long term prognosis, for avoiding diabetes, for my triglycerides and cholesterol and the PCOS symptoms too. I know that losing weight is the right thing to do, it’s just such a challenge. Every single day, every single meal, it’s a challenge. Still, I keep trying. For me the feeling of isolation was suffocating. Joining a group really helped me a lot because I could fellowship with other women who were suffering the same dilemma.
You’re not alone mary, There are so many of us who are really worried about our long term health issues. People who would have lost the weight already if they could because being fat hurts so much. Physically, emotionally, socially, even spiritually. There’s a lot of shame in trying so hard to not be fat and still finding ourselves fat anyway. When I keep failing, no matter how hard I try, it starts to feel like I am a failure.
Turns out, that I, Maggie, am a failure at losing weight by myself. But when I put God in the equation, when it’s not just me doing it alone, but me, through the power of God, I can do amazing things. It’s hard to explain, but I can definitely say it works for me.
Good luck with your efforts Mary. You are not alone and you don’t have to go it alone. I may just be one small voice on the internet, but I’m praying for you. For relief and recovery and so much success that it shines from your skin. 🙂