This week my mind and appetite are tangled up in a big snarl of “Eat Maggie! Eat!”
It’s a struggle to avoid doing so.
My body image gets mixed up with my current lack of weight loss. I’m hovering between 185 and 186, and have been for several days. Usually I lose weight right after my cycle ends. For 2 weeks I lose weight steadily and readily. Then for 2 weeks I just malinger and do my best to stick to my program even when I don’t see results. Part of this is because of my PCOS. Part of it because I’m older now and don’t lose weight as easily. PCOS symptoms make me feel like I’m not in control of my body. Working my hardest and seeing no results on the scale makes me feel frustrated, like I want to throw my hands in the air and shout “WHY BOTHER?”
When I feel frustrated and like I have no control over my body or my life, I want to eat. That is my way of feeling like I AM in control of something. I am in control of the food I put into my body. Eating makes me feel like I have active control over my body. Even eating a whole bunch of the wrong thing gives me the illusion of control. The more out of control I feel over my PCOS, the more I long for the illusion of control I get from eating the wrong stuff.
Eating the wrong stuff, and overeating in general, makes me fat, exacerbates my PCOS symptoms and makes me feel like I have even less control over my body in the long run. It’s a vicious cycle.
I am trying to stop the cycle. I am longing to eat the wrong stuff and choosing to eat the right stuff anyway. I am longing to binge on sweets and comfort foods and I am actively choosing not to do so.
Boy Howdy! is it hard.
Two weeks out of the month I fight myself and my body and do the right thing even when it’s the last thing I want to do. I do it because I know that even though that whispering appetite is telling me to do one thing, it is lying to me. This is a temptation from the deceiver. I’m not especially good at resisting this temptation on my own, so I pray a lot. God is bigger than I am. Bigger than my whispering temptation. I trust God to help me resist it.
I try to distract myself with other projects that don’t include food and I try to stick to my food plan as best I can because that is my map that will guide me through these stormy seas.
Some meals I do just fine.
Some meals I overeat, even on the good stuff. Some meals I don’t do so hot and then I have to remind myself that one meal, or one day will not make or break my efforts. I start fresh with every meal. I get a clean slate and I can do the best I can for the next meal. One meal at a time. One day at a time. One pound at a time.
And I do eventually see results.
So, I’ve given myself permission to indulge all of my favorite hobbies that are not food related.
If you are wondering why there is so much stuff on the blog right now about books and dolls, that is the reason. I am giving myself permission to read, to craft, to sew, to create, to swim, to walk, to visit with friends, to clean out my closet of all the clothes that are too big now. Which is surprisingly satisfying, as well as inspirational.
I am being very gentle with myself because I am suffering. If I had a friend who was suffering, I would be kind and gentle with her. I am suffering from PCOS, from frustration, from the anxiety that comes with having a body that wants to do the exact opposite of what I want it to do.
I am not stepping on the scale again until after my next period.
I am reading silly, uplifting girl’s novels and find it very gratifying. I am sewing for my dolls. I am looking at patterns for myself and deciding what I want to sew next. I am attending my weight loss meetings and reading my bible. I am blogging and today I painted the mailbox. Then it rained an hour later. Oh well. I may have to repaint it when the weather clears up.
I’m doing the best I can to make it through the down season, so I can better appreciate the up season when it next comes around.
If y’all get sick of doll stuff or book stuff, let me just apologize in advance, ’cause I’m not going to stop until I get through this physical funk. I know I’ll make it through. This is temporary and it’s not even that bad. I truly have nothing to complain about.
Meanwhile, I’ll just take care of myself the best I know, and if that means I have to blog about dolls for the next two weeks, that is what I will do. It keeps me away from the food. It keeps me from focusing on all of the tasty bites I’m craving but don’t really want to eat. It keeps my mind busy and my fingers busy and it makes the waiting far more comfortable than it could be otherwise.
Just thought y’all might like to know.
In nothing be anxious; but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known unto God. Philippians 4:6