Secret Key to Long Term Weight Loss on an Itty Bitty Budget! Uncovered at Last!
Lost For Generations!
Two Mysterious Keys!
Help YOU Unlock the Secret to Permanent Weight Loss!
Save Time & Money While You Lose Weight!
Achieve Your Financial Goals!
While You Simultaneously!
Achieve Your Health Goals!
Generations past our grandmothers and great grandmothers possessed this secret. Lost to the generations, hidden over time by big corporations who don’t want you to possess this knowledge, which would ruin the strangle hold they have on your purse strings, these two enigmatic keys allowed past generations to maintain and even lose weight while preserving their budgets.
They possessed this mysterious knowledge and now YOU can too!
This secret information will allow you to actually shrink fat cells in all your problem areas–thighs, belly, hips and buns. That double chin haunting you from every photograph… thick calves and ankles that keep you from wearing those trendy boots you envy on your fashionable contemporaries… belly roll that prevents you from wearing stylish belts and fitting into all of the glamorous jumpers available at your local thrift store, always in a size too small!
These problems can all be a thing of the past! Instead of cringing in shame, you can look at photos with pride for what you’ve accomplished. You can fit into all the boots you can afford at end-of-season clearance sales this winter. You can fit into blessedly affordable and surprisingly good quality jumpers hanging on the racks at your favorite thrift store, calling to you with their siren song of attractive modesty and fiscal responsibility.
You don’t have to be left behind, a permanent wallflower in life’s Junior Prom. You too can regain the energy you had in your youth. Fill yourself with vim, vigor and vitality. Climb stairs without losing your breath or soaking your bra with sweat, and buckle a belt around your skirt in homage to Doris Day and Lucille Ball.
“Your Revolutionary Key is worth millions Miss Maggie! I don’t know how I ever lived without it!” –Mrs. Frank Lee Thrifty from Tightwad, MO
How much would you be willing to pay for this information? Many would be willing to pay thousands of dollars for the ability to have the body they always wanted. Many others would pay thousands more if they could reduce their debt and put themselves in a position to actually save money for a rainy day (or a broken water heater).
Countless people will read this article, but only an enlightened few will be ready to grasp this key and use it to unlock the guarded secret of permanent weight loss and lasting financial security. Will you be one of the masses who continues to plod away, never satisfied with your body or the state of your wallet? Will you read this article and allow the information to fall on barren ground, or will you be one of the enlightened few who can comprehend this deep mystery?
Will you be one of the select segment of the population who will recognize the value of this lost knowledge? Will you perceive the profitable potential of possessing the hidden mysteries of lost generations? Are you ready to access the wisdom of our ancestors and use it to alter your lot in life? Are you ready for the perpetual dividends you can reap from accessing the lost keys to permanent weight loss and financial security?
Do you have the courage and insight to recognize and fully comprehend this valuable life-changing information?
In the past you may not have been ready to make full use of this information. You may have needed to incubate like the chrysalis before it emerges as a beautiful, delicate butterfly. You may not yet have developed the wisdom of perception to recognize the truth. But now you’ve grown, you’ve risen among the ranks of your peers. You’re done waiting and now you know the time is ripe.
If this time you are really serious about getting your weight under control.
If you are finally prepared to tackle your debt.
If you are ready to unlock the secret of lasting weight loss…
scroll down, past the jump…
You may have figured it out already, but the above sales pitch is a parody of similar ads that you can find all over the internet. They promise us everything without actually providing us anything. Unless, of course, we pay them the low price of “only” $199.99 or $39.95. For which they will handily allow us to use a credit card to pay (putting us further in debt). Then they send out a bunch of links to download useless junk and we feel like heels because we just got taken advantage of.
Secret information and lost mysteries are always scams.
Even that one place with the thing that really seems legit.
It’s still a scam.
Yup. Even them.
For our purposes however, there genuinely are two secrets that will help you unlock your potential to lose weight and save money. They really were commonplace in generations past, and they have, sort of, been lost by the wayside for current generations.
And looky here.
I’ll give ’em to you for free. Cause that’s the way I roll.
The two keys are this:
- Do your dishes and keep your kitchen clean.
- Use your clean kitchen to prepare healthy, affordable meals.
Wouldn’t it have been great if the keys had been magical promises of less work and more money?
Sorry to disappoint.
This is important though, so don’t give up just yet. These two keys are worth a lot more than they seem at first glance. That’s why I did the parody of a big mysterious secret. It was to build value in these simple ideas, because they really do provide what the hype promised.
When we put these ideas into practice they can help us lose weight while getting our finances under control.
Here’s an example.
Think about your life.
You get home from work, or from Wednesday night church. You’re hot. You’re tired, and you’re worn out. The kids are arguing. You can hear the rhythmic hack of the cat throwing up in the hallway. The kids have to eat or they will continue arguing until someone draws blood. You have to eat soon too, or your blood sugar will drop so low that you pass out. Hubby will be home soon, and he will have to eat or he will leave to go get himself something and you’ll still be stuck with hungry, arguing kids, a vomiting cat and your own exhaustion.
And oh look, the dog was attracted to the delicious sounds of a barfing cat, so you’ve got to chase him away and clean up the vomit before he finds it and eats it and then tries to lick the kids’ faces when they finally devolve to tears and blood shed.
And to top it all off, the kitchen sink is full of dirty dishes and you have to wash them before you can actually prepare a meal that will finally shut everyone up so you can escape to the bathtub for 20-minutes and finally get a break from the chaos that is your life.
At this point it’s just easier to give up. So instead of doing the dishes or preparing a meal, you order a pizza or have hubby pick up a bucket of chicken on his way home. Sure it costs between $20 and $40, but at that point in your life, it is worth it just to make everything stop for half a minute and let you catch your breath.
This is real life.
I have lived this.
It isn’t pretty and it’s always messy.
Now, let’s look at the same scenario a different way.
You are a self-aware, pro-active woman and you will not allow modern life to defeat you.
So what do you do?
Clever girl that you are, you begin preparing for Wednesday on Tuesday night. Wash the dishes before you go to bed. Dry them and put them away. It takes a full 20-minutes if you include wiping down the stove and countertops. If you play your cards right you can teach the family that interrupting you while you do the dishes will result in more work for them. Eventually they will learn to avoid you while you wash dishes, meaning that you can get a few moments of blessed quiet time every time you run water in the sink. This takes a little time to cultivate, but if you give them chores whenever they interrupt your dishes time, then soon they will flee from the kitchen the moment they see you pick up the dish soap.
After washing the dishes, go to the freezer and remove whatever meat you plan to serve for dinner tomorrow night. If you don’t eat meat then put a pound of beans in water to soak overnight. Take a deep breath and go put the kids to bed. While you’re falling asleep think about what would be quick and easy for breakfast and lunch tomorrow.
You know that Wednesday night is hectic and impossible, so being the savvy chick you are, on Wednesday morning you plan ahead.
You want a meal that will be ready as soon as you walk in the door Wednesday night. So Wednesday morning you plop your thawed meat or your soaked beans into your slow cooker. You’re trying to eat healthy so you’re careful not to add too much fat, while you make sure that you do add plenty of vegetables. If you have a bread machine or a rice cooker then you load it up with whole grains and program it to finish up right before you’re due home.
Then you go about your day. Prepare the breakfast and lunch you thought up last night. Wash up the few breakfast and lunch dishes you create as you go. It’s amazing how much easier it is to cook when the kitchen is clean. It takes way less work and it goes so much faster too.
When you get home from work or Wednesday night church, nip the coming chaos in the bud. Order the children to wash their hands and set the table. Get yourself a tall glass of water so you won’t be dehydrated, which really makes us overeat, and also exacerbates low blood sugar. Put the cat outside to hack up hairballs to her heart’s content. Lock the dog in the bedroom so he won’t steal the children’s dinner. Tell hubby to shake the bag-o-salad into a serving bowl.
Plop the crock pot on the table. Turn the hot bread or cooked rice out of the machine. Tell everyone that dinner is done and eat.
It’s like a different family.
It’s like a different life.
No blood shed.
No passing out from low blood sugar.
No dog tongue with dubious licking history.
Plus you saved $10 to $30 and ate far fewer calories. Homemade food, especially if you put a little thought into it, is far lower is fat and sugar than fast food. Homemade food tastes better, is higher quality, provides more fiber, fruits and vegetables, less fat, sugar and cholesterol and saves cold hard cash that can be rerouted to paying off bills.
And all of these benefits happened because you did the dishes before you went to bed the night before.
It’s kind of amazing when you think about it.
The funny thing (or the sad thing, depending on your perspective) is that this is not an exaggeration. This is real life for thousands (if not millions) of families all over America.
So I reiterate. There are two keys to losing weight permanently and reducing your debt or increasing your savings. They are simple. They require work. However once they are done, they really do save time, cash and calories. The two mysterious keys of forgotten, mysterious knowledge are this:
- Do the dishes.
- Prepare your meals at home.
It’s not rocket science, but it adds up just the same.
Now, go clean your kitchen before you hit the hay tonight. Your wallet and waistline will thank you.
As we have therefore opportunity, let us do good unto all men, especially unto them who are of the household of faith. Galatians 6:10
Well done! You are absolutely right. 🙂
Thanks Mary. I had a lot of fun writing it. I didn’t want to sound preachy, but still wanted to make my point. Glad you enjoyed it.
Crock-pot cooking is the best!
Hey Joanne1205. I know, right? Crock-pot cooking is so easy and then it always tastes so good! Plus it helps avoid the fast-food trap. That alone makes it one of the best inventions of the last century!
I admit, I was deeply concerned at the beginning that you got spammed. :concerned:
Love this, though! I know the odd night I go to bed without doing the dishes, I ALWAYS deeply regret it in the morning!
Hi CJ :-). When I was reading the article to Fred (my hubby), before I published it, he told me it was too convincing and that I needed to put more hints into it that it wasn’t real. I tried to do that, but now I’m wondering if maybe I should add a disclaimer at the very beginning stating that it’s a parody, so people aren’t freaked out. Fred said people will think I’ve sold out and that I’ll lose credibility because they’ll think I’ve gone to the dark side. I told him that I have smart readers and that I gave them a lot more credit than that. I don’t know. The beginning of it especially is pretty convincing that’s it a slimy scam. Which is sort of the point, but maybe it’s too convincing and people won’t read it to get to the juicy center of the tootsie pop–that is–my points about avoiding scams and doing the dishes and cooking at home.
Do you think I should put a disclaimer at the very beginning so people aren’t fooled? Or do you think it’s better to let them read the entire thing while wondering about it? I’m really interested in your opinion. Thanks. 🙂
Not CJ, but I vote leave as is. Your use of the dated advertising pics helped me start giggling right away :-). I totally agree, by the way . . . the other thing I’ll use my crockpot for is making some big huge batch-o-something that will last for lunches, rather than relying on leftovers, which all too sadly disappear immediately in my house.
Great point about crock-potting lunches Kimberly.
Thanks for the opinion about not putting in a disclaimer. I was sort of hoping that the article would be over-the-top enough that it would clue people in. Good to know that the old ad illustrations help to do that.
Ha ha ha… no, leave it! It made me pay attention!
Thanks CJ. That’s want I wanted to know 🙂
Just ran across this and it was a hoot! Guess I’m just a lady with a suspicious mind, but knowing you wrote it, Maggie, I was waiting for the punch line. And I wasn’t disappointed. 😉 I’ve been retired 9 yrs and it seems to me that I was MUCH MORE organized than I am now when I worked. It’s disgusting to see how much the stuff in this house has gone so far south so quickly. And I’ll tell you, it’s so much easier and pleasant to KEEP it up than to GET IT CAUGHT UP! It seems all I can do is laundry and the very next day it’s piled up again. I truly believe that there are gremlins running around while we sleep cluttering, dirtying and wreaking chaos because I KNOW that mess wasn’t there when I went to bed the night before.Oh, well, such is life. I just wish I had the energy I had when I was much younger. I was practically unstoppable. My sis always said I was the unsinkable Molly Brown. But one year after another has put a real stop to that.
Would like very much to read more to read more like this particular posting. It reminds me so much of the movies of the 40’s and early 50’s.
Aww, thanks Frankie. I could not agree more with your sentiment about keeping up, rather than getting caught up. I’ve got several chores I’ve been avoiding and when they get to a certain point, I want to run away from them, rather than face the music and bring it back up to snuff. Hugs. 🙂
This made me laugh and then I went and cleaned my kitchen. 🙂
Oh I’m glad. 🙂 That is pretty much the whole purpose of the article. Get a laugh, and then clean the kitchen. My work here is done 😛